So much stuff going on in my mind and it just need to be let loose.
Lately, I have been worried about what going to happen in the future. It's not the normal feeling of being worried. It's the feeling of being worried to the extreme that it is bringing me to uncontrollable fear and tears. Why am I feeling this? Probably because I am worried (and scared) of what the future will hold for me. I'm worried about how am I going to move on once my parents' are gone. I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I have and I am scared. I should really be focusing on spending whatever time I can with them now and not worried about what is going to happen. I don't think I am mentally prepared for the future. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to see what the future is for me without my parents. I regret ever being a douchebag to them. I regret ever being rude, and mean to them. I didn't like the way I grew up and I wished it was better but it was because of my past that helped me become the person I am.
Whenever someone asks me whether I want to get married, I often dodge the question. I want to get married but I don't want to feel tied down. People try to convince me that being married is great and how you create your own story (blah blah blah) by being married. I really don't know if I am ready to commit.
Also on my mind, I feel like no one cares about me or Daniel. We lived in Massachusetts for almost 4 years (5 for me) and not one person (who isn't a family member) bother coming up here to visit. When they post all over Facebook that they're taking a trip to Boston, I feel happy and try to see if they want to meet up and catch up. But no, they don't even bat an eye. Then (at a later time) they see that I live in Massachusetts and they go, "Oh why didn't you say that you live in Massachusetts...we could have met up." Yea, could have but you didn't at all even when I ask if you wanted to meet up. Ok, I get it if you came up here for other reasons and don't have the time to meet up. I make the effort to come visit people when I come home to Maryland but no one wants to make the effort to come up to Massachusetts to visit me. Stop telling me that you'll come up to Massachusetts to visit me one day. Enough with making excuses and start making the effort to come here and visit me. Ok, I sound a little demanding. They have no idea how excited I am to show them around. I feel like I have no friends or at least friends who care enough about me to come visit. Seriously people, it is not that expensive to fly up here or even take a bus. You don't need to worry about booking a hotel room or renting a car. We have a car and a place to sleep. I want to show off my apartment to you. It have been lonely living up here without a person coming up to visit you. But you know what, that's fine. I'm not even going to worry anymore since Daniel and I are planning on leaving Massachusetts once he is done with school.
I honestly don't know what I want nor I know what I have planned for the future. I don't have an itinerary for my life; I just live my life in the most spontaneous way.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Monday, February 4, 2019
1-800-273-8255
***If you or someone you know is thinking about or considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They are available 24 hours a day, everyday. Help is just a call away.***
Nothing makes me more upset and pissed is seeing how stupid, insensitive, and ignorant people are. The government shutdown lasted 35 days and in those 35 days, people were being "compassionate" about the situation. And now the government have been reopened (temporarily), people are back to their cruel, ignorant, insensitive human beings that they were before this whole shutdown happened. Why can't they just be compassionate all the time? For 35 days, we were working without knowing when we will get paid. For 35 days, us "Essential Employees", did not know if there was going to be an end to this standoff. We were working without pay (a modern way to say slavery), we were growing anxious with the impeding bills, and our future was grim and dim. All of us were running low on patience and some of us held on as tight as we could.
So this past Saturday, a TSA officer at Orlando International Airport in Orlando, Florida, committed suicide. The officer jumped from a hotel balcony located inside the hotel and it was on the news. Although I do not know this officer personally, it hits me hard. We may not know each other and maybe never cross paths, it still hurts me. I feel for that officer's family and colleagues. There were many factors and theories into why he would do that. But who am I to judge and say what happened. The thing that hurts and angers me is the comments in the video and news articles. Some comments poked fun at the tragedy, some were compassionate, and some were just so unnecessary. The comments that were very insensitive and ignorant, made me really want to rip those people a new one. How can you be so rude and mean? How is this funny? Is it because it happened to a TSA officer and that you hate the TSA? Everyone has their own opinion regarding the TSA. Whether you support or not support TSA, it is not a ticket to make insensitive comments. What if this guy was your family member? What if someone you care about so much, took their own life and people, you don't know started laughing and made insensitive comments? You would be complaining about how people are so cruel and ignorant. Think about it. What if that was you? Would you want people saying those same words to you? Tell me, why is it not ok for people to do that to you but it is ok to say it to others? Just because he worked for TSA? That is not an excuse and a passage to bullying. Whatever his circumstance was, it is not right to be an ignorant jerk.
I have lost a few people to suicide. A close friend of mine committed suicide 10 years ago and I am still overcome with grief and guilt. The guilt of missing the vital signs, and the guilt of not being able to stop her. Nobody wants to hear that their loved ones killed themselves.
In this country, people only care about celebrities and what toilet paper brand they use instead of regular people. Celebrities are the heroes and public safety officers (not just TSA officers) are the evil villains. In reality, celebrities are not all that good. Some celebrities are good and some are like what the hell! Public safety officers (TSA, police officer, etc.) are treated with little to no respect. In this country, people who rather be spat on (think Justin Bieber) than to be protected from bad people. Those people go "F**K THE POLICE" and then when someone shoots at them and they all go, "Oh where's the police? This person is trying to kill me!" Anyways, I am going off topic. The point I am making is that celebrities aren't always good (or bad) and public safety officers are not all bad (or good).
The moral of this rant: Be careful on what you say especially if it deals with death. And celebrities are all that cool.
Nothing makes me more upset and pissed is seeing how stupid, insensitive, and ignorant people are. The government shutdown lasted 35 days and in those 35 days, people were being "compassionate" about the situation. And now the government have been reopened (temporarily), people are back to their cruel, ignorant, insensitive human beings that they were before this whole shutdown happened. Why can't they just be compassionate all the time? For 35 days, we were working without knowing when we will get paid. For 35 days, us "Essential Employees", did not know if there was going to be an end to this standoff. We were working without pay (a modern way to say slavery), we were growing anxious with the impeding bills, and our future was grim and dim. All of us were running low on patience and some of us held on as tight as we could.
So this past Saturday, a TSA officer at Orlando International Airport in Orlando, Florida, committed suicide. The officer jumped from a hotel balcony located inside the hotel and it was on the news. Although I do not know this officer personally, it hits me hard. We may not know each other and maybe never cross paths, it still hurts me. I feel for that officer's family and colleagues. There were many factors and theories into why he would do that. But who am I to judge and say what happened. The thing that hurts and angers me is the comments in the video and news articles. Some comments poked fun at the tragedy, some were compassionate, and some were just so unnecessary. The comments that were very insensitive and ignorant, made me really want to rip those people a new one. How can you be so rude and mean? How is this funny? Is it because it happened to a TSA officer and that you hate the TSA? Everyone has their own opinion regarding the TSA. Whether you support or not support TSA, it is not a ticket to make insensitive comments. What if this guy was your family member? What if someone you care about so much, took their own life and people, you don't know started laughing and made insensitive comments? You would be complaining about how people are so cruel and ignorant. Think about it. What if that was you? Would you want people saying those same words to you? Tell me, why is it not ok for people to do that to you but it is ok to say it to others? Just because he worked for TSA? That is not an excuse and a passage to bullying. Whatever his circumstance was, it is not right to be an ignorant jerk.
I have lost a few people to suicide. A close friend of mine committed suicide 10 years ago and I am still overcome with grief and guilt. The guilt of missing the vital signs, and the guilt of not being able to stop her. Nobody wants to hear that their loved ones killed themselves.
In this country, people only care about celebrities and what toilet paper brand they use instead of regular people. Celebrities are the heroes and public safety officers (not just TSA officers) are the evil villains. In reality, celebrities are not all that good. Some celebrities are good and some are like what the hell! Public safety officers (TSA, police officer, etc.) are treated with little to no respect. In this country, people who rather be spat on (think Justin Bieber) than to be protected from bad people. Those people go "F**K THE POLICE" and then when someone shoots at them and they all go, "Oh where's the police? This person is trying to kill me!" Anyways, I am going off topic. The point I am making is that celebrities aren't always good (or bad) and public safety officers are not all bad (or good).
The moral of this rant: Be careful on what you say especially if it deals with death. And celebrities are all that cool.
Friday, January 18, 2019
Tick tick tick...
My anxiety have been keeping me up at night and messing with my sleep. I'm hitting my breaking point with this whole government shutdown. For the most part, some people have been compassionate, and considerate with our circumstance. Others, you just want to punch them in the throat. Although those who are showing compassion towards our circumstances, they do have to understand that we do not want to think about it. We understand that they are showing concerns and being considerate (which I really don't mind) but for me, I don't want this situation to interfere with my duties. I don't want to be reminded that we are not getting paid any time soon. The job itself is already brutal as it is but having to come in, get verbally abused and not know when the paycheck will be coming in, that is just a kick in the nuts. I am grateful for the help and support I am getting from friends and family. I don't like to ask for help but at this point, I don't feel like I have any other choices (other than to take a loan). I don't want to be the reason why my family is in the craphole. I don't want drag my family into this mess.
All we, the government employees, want is to reopen the government. We don't want a wall, we want our paychecks. We don't care about the wall, we need money for our bills. I can't hold out anymore. We have already missed out on one paycheck. We are about to miss our second paycheck. For crying out loud, PLEASE END THIS SHUTDOWN AND GIVE US OUR MONEY! Call your congressmen and congresswomen, and get them to vote on reopening the government.
All we, the government employees, want is to reopen the government. We don't want a wall, we want our paychecks. We don't care about the wall, we need money for our bills. I can't hold out anymore. We have already missed out on one paycheck. We are about to miss our second paycheck. For crying out loud, PLEASE END THIS SHUTDOWN AND GIVE US OUR MONEY! Call your congressmen and congresswomen, and get them to vote on reopening the government.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)