So much stuff going on in my mind and it just need to be let loose.
Lately, I have been worried about what going to happen in the future. It's not the normal feeling of being worried. It's the feeling of being worried to the extreme that it is bringing me to uncontrollable fear and tears. Why am I feeling this? Probably because I am worried (and scared) of what the future will hold for me. I'm worried about how am I going to move on once my parents' are gone. I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I have and I am scared. I should really be focusing on spending whatever time I can with them now and not worried about what is going to happen. I don't think I am mentally prepared for the future. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to see what the future is for me without my parents. I regret ever being a douchebag to them. I regret ever being rude, and mean to them. I didn't like the way I grew up and I wished it was better but it was because of my past that helped me become the person I am.
Whenever someone asks me whether I want to get married, I often dodge the question. I want to get married but I don't want to feel tied down. People try to convince me that being married is great and how you create your own story (blah blah blah) by being married. I really don't know if I am ready to commit.
Also on my mind, I feel like no one cares about me or Daniel. We lived in Massachusetts for almost 4 years (5 for me) and not one person (who isn't a family member) bother coming up here to visit. When they post all over Facebook that they're taking a trip to Boston, I feel happy and try to see if they want to meet up and catch up. But no, they don't even bat an eye. Then (at a later time) they see that I live in Massachusetts and they go, "Oh why didn't you say that you live in Massachusetts...we could have met up." Yea, could have but you didn't at all even when I ask if you wanted to meet up. Ok, I get it if you came up here for other reasons and don't have the time to meet up. I make the effort to come visit people when I come home to Maryland but no one wants to make the effort to come up to Massachusetts to visit me. Stop telling me that you'll come up to Massachusetts to visit me one day. Enough with making excuses and start making the effort to come here and visit me. Ok, I sound a little demanding. They have no idea how excited I am to show them around. I feel like I have no friends or at least friends who care enough about me to come visit. Seriously people, it is not that expensive to fly up here or even take a bus. You don't need to worry about booking a hotel room or renting a car. We have a car and a place to sleep. I want to show off my apartment to you. It have been lonely living up here without a person coming up to visit you. But you know what, that's fine. I'm not even going to worry anymore since Daniel and I are planning on leaving Massachusetts once he is done with school.
I honestly don't know what I want nor I know what I have planned for the future. I don't have an itinerary for my life; I just live my life in the most spontaneous way.
