My struggles, my trauma

 In 2006, while still in high school, I got falsely accused of stealing a person's cell phone. I was not specifically asked to watch this girl's cell phone and it somehow gotten lost. After the game, the girl blamed me for stealing her phone. I asked myself, "Why would I want to steal anyone's phone?" A couple days after that ordeal, I gotten a text from my sister, who was in college then, saying that someone (who happened to be a long time family friend) posted online blaming me and tarnishing my name and image. I told my sister that I have no reason to steal anyone's phone when at that time, I had a $300 phone. This was before cyber bullying was a big issue. I still haven't gotten an apology from those accusers. I spent most of my young adulthood trying to clear my name and put an end to this. I haven't fully recovered from this but I have tried to put this whole ordeal behind me. As a result of this bullying, I have been going through depression and feeling like I am not worth anything. Since then, my life have not been stable. My emotional and mental state have not been stable.

Fast forward to 2021 (15 years later), I recently went through an episode of depression. Back in May, I wanted to end my life. I didn't feel like continuing with my life. I felt like the world wanted me to go. I couldn't tell anyone because I felt ashamed of myself for feeling depressed. I felt like if I was to admit that I was depressed, I was only seeking this for attention. Why was I feeling like this? Here's why:

• My uncle passed away in early March of possibly adverse reactions to the COVID vaccine. Unlike most family passing, this one hit me a little harder. He wasn't the best uncle and he wasn't technically blood related but he was still family. This hit me hard because he was one of the few uncles that live in the US and I visited him a lot growing up. 
• The stress of my job gotten to me and I couldn't handle it anymore. There were so many things that needed to be done. I just got back from a 2-week contact tracing quarantine. I also was training someone at the time. I wasn't given any chances to train her and was expected to get her fully certified soon. This threw all the stress and pressure on me until I eventually snapped.
• My trainee at the time was too damn difficult. It put more stress on me trying to tell her to not to do this and not to do that. 
• I was missing my friends and my life back in Massachusetts. Because of COVID, I couldn't get to say goodbye to them. I felt like I left out of the blue. 
• I felt that my mental health wasn't taken too seriously when I needed help. Because of this, I felt like I was worth less than dirt. At this point, I was going to end it. I didn't want to make it a big scene. I wanted to quietly slip away so that no one knew that I was gone. 
• In the last year, I finally broke free from a toxic friendship. I was relieved and free. However, that person did not take it lightly and went as far as making up stuff about me and blaming me for her misdeeds. I was not going to react as she would want me to. I kept this bottled in. However, she continued to attempt to get me to react by writing more false stuff about me. Again, I refused to react because it is what she wants.

I eventually gotten the help I needed after posting a somewhat disturbing post on my Facebook and Instagram. Ok, it wasn't that disturbing but it was enough that people started checking up on me. I posted a message talking about my struggle and what was going on in the past couple of weeks. I gotten the chance to talk to people and told them what happened and why I felt like taking my life. One of my coworker asked me if I was ok and I said no. She also comfort me and reassured that everything is ok.

Fast forward again 5 months later...I am once again going back into that dark phase. I am once again getting falsely accused of something that is definitely not true. This time, I am being accused of being lazy and targeting a coworker. The truth is that I was merely doing my job. I was getting complaints about a person not doing their job so I tried to correct them. Apparently to her, this is targeting her. These are the accusation:

• ACCUSATION: I never help out and just stand around. 
• TRUTH: I do not just stand around doing nothing. I rotate them out of positions to help get the rotation moving. I have delayed and sacrificed my break just so those coworkers can go on their millionth break. I open more lanes when we get super busy.
• What is the issue? She doesn't want to work or do her job that she was hired for. 
• ACCUSATION: I never get sent to other areas to help and that it is always her. 
• TRUTH: SHE WAS ONLY SENT OUT ONCE! JUST ONCE! I have been sent out multiple times. She always have an excuse on why she can't go. I sent other people more times than I should be and it is not fair to them. 
• What is the issue there? She is lazy and refuses to do her job in which she applied for. 
• ACCUSATION: I am targeting her.
• TRUTH: I am not targeting her. She just so happen to get caught by people not doing her job. I am just trying to correct her before someone else sees it and she gets into even more trouble.
• What is the issue there? She just not happy that we caught her not doing her job. She wants to find every excuse possible to get me in trouble. In her mind, she think she is super perfect that she cannot have flaws. 

If this is not that bad, she THREATENED violence against me. She said that I need to say it to her face and "we can go outside." She threatened her superior, her supervisor. Why? Because she think she is super perfect and will not get in trouble for this. Well, you made a verbal threat against me and that constitute as workplace violence. It will get you in a ton of trouble and no one will be able to save you then. 

I am offended by these accusations because of all the energy I put into this job. I do not have to put in all that time and effort at all but I chose to. I am stupid to even put my health at risk for them. I am stupid for even letting my guard down. It is like all those things I have done for these people are all for nothing. Thanks for stabbing me in the back. 

JUST AN FYI: If you stab, hurt, and/or manipulate me, you will not be forgiven for your actions. You do not deserve a second chance. You can try to redeem yourself but I will not treat you the same as if nothing happened. 

I am, however, trying to stand strong against this person. I will not go down that easily.