My struggles, my trauma

 In 2006, while still in high school, I got falsely accused of stealing a person's cell phone. I was not specifically asked to watch this girl's cell phone and it somehow gotten lost. After the game, the girl blamed me for stealing her phone. I asked myself, "Why would I want to steal anyone's phone?" A couple days after that ordeal, I gotten a text from my sister, who was in college then, saying that someone (who happened to be a long time family friend) posted online blaming me and tarnishing my name and image. I told my sister that I have no reason to steal anyone's phone when at that time, I had a $300 phone. This was before cyber bullying was a big issue. I still haven't gotten an apology from those accusers. I spent most of my young adulthood trying to clear my name and put an end to this. I haven't fully recovered from this but I have tried to put this whole ordeal behind me. As a result of this bullying, I have been going through depression and feeling like I am not worth anything. Since then, my life have not been stable. My emotional and mental state have not been stable.

Fast forward to 2021 (15 years later), I recently went through an episode of depression. Back in May, I wanted to end my life. I didn't feel like continuing with my life. I felt like the world wanted me to go. I couldn't tell anyone because I felt ashamed of myself for feeling depressed. I felt like if I was to admit that I was depressed, I was only seeking this for attention. Why was I feeling like this? Here's why:

• My uncle passed away in early March of possibly adverse reactions to the COVID vaccine. Unlike most family passing, this one hit me a little harder. He wasn't the best uncle and he wasn't technically blood related but he was still family. This hit me hard because he was one of the few uncles that live in the US and I visited him a lot growing up. 
• The stress of my job gotten to me and I couldn't handle it anymore. There were so many things that needed to be done. I just got back from a 2-week contact tracing quarantine. I also was training someone at the time. I wasn't given any chances to train her and was expected to get her fully certified soon. This threw all the stress and pressure on me until I eventually snapped.
• My trainee at the time was too damn difficult. It put more stress on me trying to tell her to not to do this and not to do that. 
• I was missing my friends and my life back in Massachusetts. Because of COVID, I couldn't get to say goodbye to them. I felt like I left out of the blue. 
• I felt that my mental health wasn't taken too seriously when I needed help. Because of this, I felt like I was worth less than dirt. At this point, I was going to end it. I didn't want to make it a big scene. I wanted to quietly slip away so that no one knew that I was gone. 
• In the last year, I finally broke free from a toxic friendship. I was relieved and free. However, that person did not take it lightly and went as far as making up stuff about me and blaming me for her misdeeds. I was not going to react as she would want me to. I kept this bottled in. However, she continued to attempt to get me to react by writing more false stuff about me. Again, I refused to react because it is what she wants.

I eventually gotten the help I needed after posting a somewhat disturbing post on my Facebook and Instagram. Ok, it wasn't that disturbing but it was enough that people started checking up on me. I posted a message talking about my struggle and what was going on in the past couple of weeks. I gotten the chance to talk to people and told them what happened and why I felt like taking my life. One of my coworker asked me if I was ok and I said no. She also comfort me and reassured that everything is ok.

Fast forward again 5 months later...I am once again going back into that dark phase. I am once again getting falsely accused of something that is definitely not true. This time, I am being accused of being lazy and targeting a coworker. The truth is that I was merely doing my job. I was getting complaints about a person not doing their job so I tried to correct them. Apparently to her, this is targeting her. These are the accusation:

• ACCUSATION: I never help out and just stand around. 
• TRUTH: I do not just stand around doing nothing. I rotate them out of positions to help get the rotation moving. I have delayed and sacrificed my break just so those coworkers can go on their millionth break. I open more lanes when we get super busy.
• What is the issue? She doesn't want to work or do her job that she was hired for. 
• ACCUSATION: I never get sent to other areas to help and that it is always her. 
• TRUTH: SHE WAS ONLY SENT OUT ONCE! JUST ONCE! I have been sent out multiple times. She always have an excuse on why she can't go. I sent other people more times than I should be and it is not fair to them. 
• What is the issue there? She is lazy and refuses to do her job in which she applied for. 
• ACCUSATION: I am targeting her.
• TRUTH: I am not targeting her. She just so happen to get caught by people not doing her job. I am just trying to correct her before someone else sees it and she gets into even more trouble.
• What is the issue there? She just not happy that we caught her not doing her job. She wants to find every excuse possible to get me in trouble. In her mind, she think she is super perfect that she cannot have flaws. 

If this is not that bad, she THREATENED violence against me. She said that I need to say it to her face and "we can go outside." She threatened her superior, her supervisor. Why? Because she think she is super perfect and will not get in trouble for this. Well, you made a verbal threat against me and that constitute as workplace violence. It will get you in a ton of trouble and no one will be able to save you then. 

I am offended by these accusations because of all the energy I put into this job. I do not have to put in all that time and effort at all but I chose to. I am stupid to even put my health at risk for them. I am stupid for even letting my guard down. It is like all those things I have done for these people are all for nothing. Thanks for stabbing me in the back. 

JUST AN FYI: If you stab, hurt, and/or manipulate me, you will not be forgiven for your actions. You do not deserve a second chance. You can try to redeem yourself but I will not treat you the same as if nothing happened. 

I am, however, trying to stand strong against this person. I will not go down that easily. 

Is it boredom or just plain depression?

I am still not happy with anything that is going on with my life. I have been even more depressed than the last time. I feel like nothing matters to me anymore, and nothing anyone will say matter anymore. This battle is going nowhere. There is no winner and no loser. 

Just last week, I was in the worst type of pain I have ever been in. I was emotionally and physically in pain. I was diagnosed with sciatica on my left leg. It is not a life threatening condition like a terminal illness. I am glad that sciatica is treatable but it also made me sad because it is a reminder that I am getting old. I don't like the idea of getting old. I feel like my sciatica will limit me on my mobility as time goes on. I don't want pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I don't want to get old. I don't feel like I have achieved anything in my life. I got a lot of stuff that I want to do before I get too old. 

This week, I have been feeling more depressed than I ever was. My boyfriend left the country yesterday to go see his grandma who lives in El Salvador. It is only going to be a week but I feel like it is eternal. I think the only reason I feel this way is because everything happened in a rush when I went to drop him and his family off at the airport. I didn't feel like I had the chance to say goodbye properly and give him a hug before we separated for a week. I am glad that he is able to see his other family members whereas I am not able due to the COVID outbreak where my family lives. I felt everything was rushed from the time of the drop-off to leaving the airport. It hurts not being able to give a proper send off. Now the only way we can communicate is through WhatsApp. I have to say that WhatsApp is a greatest app to ever been created because I am able to still communicate with him even though he is in another country. It gives me relief that I am able to still communicate with him.

So why am I still depressed? It is my lousy job and the zero respect I get. 

I am happy…not!

I thought a change of scenery is what I needed but it seems like it is not what I wanted after all. If you haven't known, I lived in Massachusetts for the last 5.5 years. Throughout the time I was living up there, I kept talking about how much I missed Maryland. I feel like I am lying to myself. Did I really miss Maryland that much? What's the difference between Maryland and Massachusetts? After the past few month, I have come to realization that I, in fact, do not miss Maryland at all and that I miss Massachusetts more. I feel happy to be home and no more dealing with rent and heavy financial stuff. I also feel lost here. I don't know where my place is here anymore. I feel like a nobody and more of a burden to people. In Massachusetts, I felt like I belonged and I was a somebody. People actually see me and wants to be my friend. They see the real me and not the person I pretend to be. Massachusetts people are real people and not fakes. Sorry in advance if I sound like a douchebag. Maryland people are fakes. DMV people are fakes. People here act like they're entitled. Entitled to what? What are they entitled to and why does it matter? 

I busted my ass off the last 5.5 years working at this lousy agency and gotten abused left and right. I endured these pains to get to where I am now. I went into work everyday even though I didn't want to. I have been talked down to and seen as useless. I didn't want to work, I wanted to be lazy. And now in my new duty location, I feel like that was all for nothing. People here are lazy ass bums! What is the point of coming into work to be lazy? Why bother working then? I have seen way too many lazy people here than in Boston. When I called them out on it, it suddenly felt like I said something offensive when it is not. Why? Because they don't want to admit to it. They pretend they don't see it and I get ostracized. Lazy people don't deserve praises and rewards. But instead, they rather punish the hard worker. Punish the hard working people because they are the hard workers and that they're not lazy. People here also enjoy prying into other people's business. Why does it matter what I do outside of work? What are you trying to do? Write me up for enjoying life on my days off? Trying to reason with people here is impossible. None of these arguments make any sense. Like seriously, say something smart rather than what the media feeds you and think that what they say is true. Trying to talk to these people makes me want to just jump off a building just so it can take me out of my misery. 

So I called you out for being lazy. Why are you upset about this? Because you say that you're not lazy? Action speaks louder than words. If I see you being lazy and not doing your work like you're supposed to, then I will call you out. Then you go ahead and call me a snitch? It is not snitching because I did not catch you doing something that you were not supposed to do. I caught you being lazy and reported it. The issue isn't the fact that you were caught this time and that I didn't speak with you. It is because of the fact that you were talked to NUMEROUS times over the same thing and you don't seem to get it. It is like you understood today and tomorrow, you forgot. How do you think I feel? 

Warning: Ranting in progress...

I have been quiet about the whole situation regarding the unfair treatment of Mr. George Floyd. I've been watching the news and seeing the protest and riots happening around the country.

I support the police. I do not support the use of excess force by the police, which result in injuries and/or death. I do not support what that one Minneapolis police did to George Floyd. Not all police officers are bad and not all are good. One rotten officer doesn't reflect the police as a whole. If you don't understand, here's a better way to explain it. You go produce at your local grocery store to buy some tomatoes. Your first pick is a rotten tomato (mold and all). What do you do next? You go pick out another one. Can you automatically assume that all the tomatoes are rotten based on that one tomato?

Word of the day: TRUMP SYNDROME
Definition: A broad term used to describe individuals who thinks highly of themselves, does not put others' opinions/views into consideration, and constantly think they're completely right.

Take a ride on this (emotional) roller coaster

So much stuff going on in my mind and it just need to be let loose.

Lately, I have been worried about what going to happen in the future. It's not the normal feeling of being worried. It's the feeling of being worried to the extreme that it is bringing me to uncontrollable fear and tears. Why am I feeling this? Probably because I am worried (and scared) of what the future will hold for me. I'm worried about how am I going to move on once my parents' are gone. I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I have and I am scared. I should really be focusing on spending whatever time I can with them now and not worried about what is going to happen. I don't think I am mentally prepared for the future. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to see what the future is for me without my parents. I regret ever being a douchebag to them. I regret ever being rude, and mean to them. I didn't like the way I grew up and I wished it was better but it was because of my past that helped me become the person I am.

Whenever someone asks me whether I want to get married, I often dodge the question. I want to get married but I don't want to feel tied down. People try to convince me that being married is great and how you create your own story (blah blah blah) by being married. I really don't know if I am ready to commit.

Also on my mind, I feel like no one cares about me or Daniel. We lived in Massachusetts for almost 4 years (5 for me) and not one person (who isn't a family member) bother coming up here to visit. When they post all over Facebook that they're taking a trip to Boston, I feel happy and try to see if they want to meet up and catch up. But no, they don't even bat an eye. Then (at a later time) they see that I live in Massachusetts and they go, "Oh why didn't you say that you live in Massachusetts...we could have met up." Yea, could have but you didn't at all even when I ask if you wanted to meet up. Ok, I get it if you came up here for other reasons and don't have the time to meet up. I make the effort to come visit people when I come home to Maryland but no one wants to make the effort to come up to Massachusetts to visit me. Stop telling me that you'll come up to Massachusetts to visit me one day. Enough with making excuses and start making the effort to come here and visit me. Ok, I sound a little demanding. They have no idea how excited I am to show them around. I feel like I have no friends or at least friends who care enough about me to come visit. Seriously people, it is not that expensive to fly up here or even take a bus. You don't need to worry about booking a hotel room or renting a car. We have a car and a place to sleep. I want to show off my apartment to you. It have been lonely living up here without a person coming up to visit you. But you know what, that's fine. I'm not even going to worry anymore since Daniel and I are planning on leaving Massachusetts once he is done with school.

I honestly don't know what I want nor I know what I have planned for the future. I don't have an itinerary for my life; I just live my life in the most spontaneous way.

1-800-273-8255

***If you or someone you know is thinking about or considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They are available 24 hours a day, everyday. Help is just a call away.***

Nothing makes me more upset and pissed is seeing how stupid, insensitive, and ignorant people are. The government shutdown lasted 35 days and in those 35 days, people were being "compassionate" about the situation. And now the government have been reopened (temporarily), people are back to their cruel, ignorant, insensitive human beings that they were before this whole shutdown happened. Why can't they just be compassionate all the time? For 35 days, we were working without knowing when we will get paid. For 35 days, us "Essential Employees", did not know if there was going to be an end to this standoff. We were working without pay (a modern way to say slavery), we were growing anxious with the impeding bills, and our future was grim and dim. All of us were running low on patience and some of us held on as tight as we could.

So this past Saturday, a TSA officer at Orlando International Airport in Orlando, Florida, committed suicide. The officer jumped from a hotel balcony located inside the hotel and it was on the news. Although I do not know this officer personally, it hits me hard. We may not know each other and maybe never cross paths, it still hurts me.  I feel for that officer's family and colleagues. There were many factors and theories into why he would do that. But who am I to judge and say what happened. The thing that hurts and angers me is the comments in the video and news articles. Some comments poked fun at the tragedy, some were compassionate, and some were just so unnecessary. The comments that were very insensitive and ignorant, made me really want to rip those people a new one. How can you be so rude and mean? How is this funny? Is it because it happened to a TSA officer and that you hate the TSA? Everyone has their own opinion regarding the TSA. Whether you support or not support TSA, it is not a ticket to make insensitive comments. What if this guy was your family member? What if someone you care about so much, took their own life and people, you don't know started laughing and made insensitive comments? You would be complaining about how people are so cruel and ignorant. Think about it. What if that was you? Would you want people saying those same words to you? Tell me, why is it not ok for people to do that to you but it is ok to say it to others? Just because he worked for TSA? That is not an excuse and a passage to bullying. Whatever his circumstance was, it is not right to be an ignorant jerk.

I have lost a few people to suicide. A close friend of mine committed suicide 10 years ago and I am still overcome with grief and guilt. The guilt of missing the vital signs, and the guilt of not being able to stop her. Nobody wants to hear that their loved ones killed themselves.

In this country, people only care about celebrities and what toilet paper brand they use instead of regular people. Celebrities are the heroes and public safety officers (not just TSA officers) are the evil villains. In reality, celebrities are not all that good. Some celebrities are good and some are like what the hell! Public safety officers (TSA, police officer, etc.) are treated with little to no respect. In this country, people who rather be spat on (think Justin Bieber) than to be protected from bad people. Those people go "F**K THE POLICE" and then when someone shoots at them and they all go, "Oh where's the police? This person is trying to kill me!" Anyways, I am going off topic. The point I am making is that celebrities aren't always good (or bad) and public safety officers are not all bad (or good).

The moral of this rant: Be careful on what you say especially if it deals with death. And celebrities are all that cool.

Tick tick tick...

My anxiety have been keeping me up at night and messing with my sleep. I'm hitting my breaking point with this whole government shutdown. For the most part, some people have been compassionate, and considerate with our circumstance. Others, you just want to punch them in the throat. Although those who are showing compassion towards our circumstances, they do have to understand that we do not want to think about it. We understand that they are showing concerns and being considerate (which I really don't mind) but for me, I don't want this situation to interfere with my duties. I don't want to be reminded that we are not getting paid any time soon. The job itself is already brutal as it is but having to come in, get verbally abused and not know when the paycheck will be coming in, that is just a kick in the nuts. I am grateful for the help and support I am getting from friends and family. I don't like to ask for help but at this point, I don't feel like I have any other choices (other than to take a loan). I don't want to be the reason why my family is in the craphole. I don't want drag my family into this mess.

All we, the government employees, want is to reopen the government. We don't want a wall, we want our paychecks. We don't care about the wall, we need money for our bills. I can't hold out anymore. We have already missed out on one paycheck. We are about to miss our second paycheck. For crying out loud, PLEASE END THIS SHUTDOWN AND GIVE US OUR MONEY! Call your congressmen and congresswomen, and get them to vote on reopening the government.